Bodily Functions That End Meetings and Discussions

Free at last, free at last, Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last! This is what I say each time I think about my retirement status. "Free?" you ask? "From what?" you ask? Well, there are so many things that I HAD to do while working that I no longer have to do. One of the things that I no longer have to do is keep a fresh stash of excuses. Don't get all high falootin' on me. You KNOW good and well that you saved up some excuses to use for those special times that you were late/absent/asleep/whatever and you just KNEW that you better have what the boss would refer to as a "good reason" for the above.

Well, face it. Death is a good excuse (not yours, but some distant relative), but you can only use this so many times. Plus, with death, you can't make the dead person too close to you (cause you'd have to be sad all that day), nor too distant (cause you wouldn't need the "time off" for the funeral/wake/whatever). So, you really had to save up the "death card" for when you were really in a jam.

So, I was always open and alert for EFFECTIVE excuses people gave to excuse themselves. For discussion sake, I will only present two for your reading pleasure. Oh yeah, the names are withheld to protect the guilty, also in case they are still using said excuses.

The first excuse was presented during a HUGE conference. We had brought in people from all over the country to attend this function. We had spent gobs of money on lunches, brunches and munchies. We had secured speakers and killed many, many trees to present the requisite number of handouts that would assure that these folks had been to a GOOD conference. After all this expense, there was NO "good reason" to be late for any of these sessions. When this stylishly dressed woman walked in late for a session, I was thinking, ohhhhh, she's gonna get it. The boss was giving her the stank-eye, waiting to hear her excuse, when she loudly proclaimed that she had just experienced "EXPLOSIVE DIARHEA!" Yeah, I know. I, too was speechless. Not only did she stride right to her seat, there was no further discussion of any type and it was never spoken of again. I gave her cool points for (1) being stylishly dressed and (2) adding the adjective "explosive". That was the discussion closer.

The second excuse was on a much smaller scale, but just as effective. Stuck like Chuck in a one-on-one meeting that droned on and on with unecessary detail and repetition, this person told me that they didn't know how to end the meeting, yet keep their job. Mother Nature came to the rescue with a build up of flatulance (gas). My friend told me that they didn't know what to do to hold it back. They tried squirming, clenching and holding their breath. At a certain point, my friend came to the conclusion that Mother Nature had provided this weapon for a reason. My friend was grateful that this was the silent, but deadly version and they knew they had hit pay dirt (if you will) when the person doing all the talking suddenly stopped, widened their eyes and gave this stunned expression. Within 2 minutes, the meeting came to an abrupt end. Like the previous example, this was never spoken of again.

In conclusion -- USE your bodily functions if you need to end meetings or discussions. Just make sure that I'm not around when you do it. Thanking you (profusely) in advance. If you need to use either of the above excuses, You're Welcome!